My Sin Is Envy

"I might not be a smart man, but I know what love is." - Forest Gump

I want to be Doctor Frankenstein. God is too cruel to obey.

There was once a kind of argument that I knew I would lose, because I didn't have the heart to defend it. But there is one I have all the heart in the world to defend, but I know I will always lose.

I cannot do all.
I cannot lift the weight that is beyond me to lift.
I cannot run a mile that is more than within my body to do so.
I cannot feel an emotion beyond my heart to give.
I cannot think a thought beyond the ability of my mind to know.
And I cannot bare a child.

I cannot do these things.

But do not dare to think that every single woman alive is stronger than me in body, stronger than me in heart and stronger than me in mind. Do not think I would not perform her task, if it was within my power to do so, to all satisfaction.

I am not ashamed of being a man. But if I could change to be woman in body I would. Just so I could show you all that it takes but one caring life to make another, and it matters not of what gender in mind and heart that life is.

I love my unborn daughter, or son. I don't care if you think I can't do something a woman can, I know I can love. I know I can build. And I know that of it came to it, I would be all a child needed, just as all I needed was one person to guide me.

Why do you hate me for feeling only what is natural for me to feel? Why am I not allowed to love my child? Why am I not allowed to say, aloud, that I would give my life for her or him? Why am I not allowed to say that I could provide, one and all, that my child needs?

I am not made of tin! I can feel! I can be! I am life! I am man! I am not, yet, obsolete! Do not yet say I am! That time has not come yet! I am half of a whole as of yet! The world is made better with me in it! I know it is!

I don't even believe myself.

Do what you will, pass what you like. I will never try to bare a child. I fear that the hope of it will be snatched from me. That fear keeps me awake. That fear, more than anything.

And as for you, shut up. You don't know what it is to love a woman, as I have loved and bled, even if you are a man. Not for what you are, but for what you demand of me, you hurt me. Deeply, so deeply. All the way down.

Go away. Leave me with my looming obsolescence. You have won. Just leave me. Let me rust without further ridicule. Please.

My sin is envy, but I would not be forgiven for it, even if it drags me to hell.