What I did for Christmas

So, what did I do for Christmas? Well, I'll tell you.

First, I went outside and breathed the fresh rainy air. But I smelled brimstone down the drain, and saw red eyes staring at me from the darkness. A voice came from it, saying, "Free me from this sewer with gold and I will grant you three wishes. But beware, for some who wish for material desires... Hey! Hey! Come back!" For I was already walking away. My grandmother always told me never to trust strange drain creatures.

Anyway, I kept walking along, and was accosted by a desperate man who begged me for rubies to feed his children with. "I must have rubies!" He said, his filthy beard waving in the wind, "For my children's hearts grow cold as stone!" He smelled pretty bad, and was being very rude, so I poked him away with my umbrella, telling him I had no rubies, but maybe try a jeweller? Hearing my refusal, his mad white eyes rolled into the back of his head, he transformed into a large yellow rat, which scampered away.

The rain was letting up at this point, and I decided to use my umbrella for a walking stick for a bit.

I was pretty hungry, and I couldn't find anywhere to eat. But I noticed a banana tree growing in the middle of the road I was walking. Its fresh ripe fruit appeared there for the taking. I shook the tree a little and caught one that fell. It was delicious, I can tell you.

However, the tree was apparently haunted, and a spirit or ghost emanated from it, and threw all this rubbish at me. "Thief! Thief! Die!" It screamed angrily, tossing old bones, egg shells and all manner of disgusting things at me, most of which I avoided through cunning and agility.

Thinking I would be stuck there forever with the vengeful ghost, an old woman in a rusty red pick-up truck rolled up. She offered the ghost a chicken from the back of the truck, and it agreed to leave me alone.

She gave me a lift further up the road. But when we stopped at her little crooked house, I saw that her mother was an ogre, ten feet tall, all covered in warts and was feeding on a human leg, so I took my leave.

On my walk back home, I saw a huge yellow rat running through the gutter with a ruby the size of a walnut clamped in its teeth. I nodded to it, and it bobbed its head in response.

I decided to catch a bus the rest of the way back. A young woman rode it with me. In her arms rested a jar, it contained formaldehyde and in the that floated a golden egg. "It's the egg of a Phoenix." She told me, "When it breaks open, it will cover the earth in flame, and in a day and a night, a new race of man and beast will rise from the ashes. It will live for ten thousand years, and then lay another egg."

It had been in her family for generations, but she had to sell it, for her landlady charged a high rent, and was an ogre who ate her brother and bound his spirit to a banana tree.

We talked at little more, till her stop. Mine came soon after. I found a dollar on the road outside my house. I tossed it down the drain to the creature who was trapped there. I heard it sigh as it was released from its imprisonment.

I had a glass of wine with my dinner, and went to bed.