The Insidious Ugliness

Sometimes I feel as though ugliness is a creeping, growing thing. An insidious mould that clings to things, transforms them from what they were to what they are. It creeps into our very minds and memories, until we can't even remember the way things used to be.

I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I were really beautiful. How much easier would my life be if all I had to do to get by was smile?

The answer is a lot. But that's not what I'm for. If I'm for anything.

In the end, all I ask you for, reader, is to try to remember the way things were before you were made to forget.

Cheerioh.

He said, "Son, you be sure careful mind,
There are about so many evil witches,
Men who hate the Son Of God, you'll find,
And whores, devils, and sons of bitches.
They'll hurt you if they can son,
Oh, they'll hurt you if they can."

But he never told me what to do,
If I was the one who was dealing the pain,
But when back then all I knew,
Was that even the evil still see rain,
On the just and unjust alike indeed,
Yes, on the just and unjust alike.

Strong and tall, brave and true,
Eyes like stars and hands like hope,
One of the best, and one of the few,
Please God throw me some rope.
I really need a hand here Lord,
Dear God I really need a hand.

So I walked and ran a million miles,
And faced some terrible aches,
I wandered through a sea of smiles,
And bet on high, weighty stakes,
"You gotta be innit to win it boy,
Damn, you gotta be innit to win."

Win I did, but at what kind of a win?
Laugher and loss are a plenty here,
In the valley of inventive, curious sin,
You'll let loose all you hold dear.
You see what you love turn grey and dead,
Yes, you see all you love turn grey.

Run far and fast, and stay away from me.
I'm the one they warned you about,
Get yourself far away, somewhere you can be,
A place where you never have to shout.
You can whisper in your special place.
My love, You can whisper in your place.

Cheerioh. X.

Going Away.

This is where you are, 

This is where your heart beats. 

Though you travel wide and far, 

This is where you are. 

Underneath your cotton sheets. 

This is where I am, 

You know you'll find me here. 

Fight it if you feel you can, 

This is where I am. 

Buried in the deepest fear. 

I know you know me, 

Though you turn and look away, 

Here I am for all to see, 

I know you know me. 

And I know, I'm here to stay. 

Here we were and here we stay, 

Though you turn and look away. 

Here we are and, long to stay, 

We will not ever go away. 

We will not ever go away. 

Tear Me Apart.

"They claim their labours are to build a heaven, yet their heaven is populated with horrors. Perhaps the world is not made. Perhaps nothing is made. A clock without a craftsman."

I'll tell you something I don't know.

What is the difference between potentially anything,

And definitely nothing? 

Which would you rather have? 

Why does the snake eat itself? 

Because it did? 

Because it will? 

And, how?

Why don't I want anything?

Imagine a lie so untruthful it has to be believed.

The lie of existence in its entirety. 

Why don't I care for this world?

Why doesn't it matter to me if we burn our mother?

Why don't I care for your rape?

Why doesn't it matter to me if our spark keeps burning?

Why don't I care if it goes out?

Why doesn't it matter to me if this rock still spins?

Why don't I care if it stops?

None of this means anything to me. 

But why?

They don't.

All these jumbled thoughts tear me apart.
They do.

Why do I care if these people forget me? 

Why do I need you, the strange boy I never knew? 

Why do I care what you think?

Why do I need you, the girl who was as distant as anyone? 

Why do I care if you to love me?

Why do I need you, you who I discarded so lightly? 

Why do I wish you thought of me? 

You mean so much to me.

But why?

Imagine a truth so real it is impossible to believe. 

The truth of nothingness. 

Why do I want any of you? 

What is my life?

Why did I start? 

Why will I end?

And, how?

Am I anything? 

Am I nothing?

Which would I rather be? 

I just don't know. 

"God, help me. 

Deliver me to paradise.

Amen."

Rowan.

Rowan indirectly requested that my blog include more 'Rowan'.

So, I'm writing a post about him. This is a picture of Rowan I took, feeding some birds:

I went to the school 'Trinity Christian School' (also known by me as 'That awful place') with Rowan for some years, that right now I can't be bothered remembering the number of. It was he who while I was there commented that I was so depressed I looked, "Like a skull with a clown wig glued to it". After my triumphant escape from it, we remained friends.

I don't recall exactly how we became friends, but that in of itself is wholly unremarkable, as I have an awful memory for that sort of thing. I also don't remember how I became friends with almost all the people I would regard as knowing me well, including David, who I would say knows me better than anyone.

In a circle of friends, there is always one person desperate to cause some kind of mischief. In my circle of friends, that person is almost certainly Rowan. In a good way. On the Trinity 'Muck Up Day' He famously caused a muck up so horrendous that the cleaners refused to clean. There were little white foam beads everywhere and everything was sticky. Also his parties are, without getting into detail, famously eventful. Extremely eventful.

Sadly his sense of humor is not always appreciated. But I assure you it is always ultimately well meaning. Well, nearly always, hahahaha.

Don't be fooled by his ragamuffin exterior though. A mind exists behind that charming adolescent face that I would only describe as 'Ingenious'. And it is that ingenious intellect that I am sure will see him well through life an in his future aspirations. His... Political aspirations. Specifically, Prime Minister of Australia. You heard me.

One of the things that I really value about Rowan is that he actually has a lot of balls. If he says he is going to do something, if he possibly can... He'll do it. He doesn't pretend to be something he isn't, which as someone who was nearly planning to professionally do that, I really admire.

I regard Rowan as a very close friend, and I believe he feels the same about me. And I wish only the best for him.

Also, if you want a post you have to ask for one.

A World Of Sin

If I could find every person who ever loved me,
And make them love me again,
If I could find every person who I ever betrayed,
And make them believe in me again.
Maybe then,
I would no longer be,
A child born in sin.

If I could find every cheated stranger,
And replace every jewel I stole
If I could find every deceived friend,
And tell the truth for every lie I ever told,
Maybe then,
I would no longer be,
A child born in sin.

If I could find every life I ever took,
And bring it back,
If I could find every bullet I fired,
And make it a gift of life,
Maybe then,
I would no longer be,
A child born in sin.

If I could find every hand who made my clothes,
And clothe them,
If I could find every hand who made my bread,
And feed them,
Maybe then,
I would no longer be,
A child born in sin.

If I could love whenever I hated,
If I could give whenever I took,
If I could heal whenever I hurt,
If I could look in the Devil's eye,
And feel no fear,
And no regret,
And no desire,
And no anger,
And no pity,
And see nothing that I needed,
Maybe then...

If I could take back my life,
And make it never so,
If I could snuff the seed of my existence,
Before it had the chance to take root,
In the gears that turn behind the curtain of the world,

Yes, then,
I would no longer be,
A child born in sin.

If we all could,
Yes, then,
This world would no longer be,
A world of sin.

But what an empty world it would be.

Hard Work

I look around me, and everything just seems, well, awful. 

So many people I know are troubled, by real, honest, measurable things. They aren't the fairy tale troubles of teens that have everything they want and nothing to do: They have real problems, the kind that are still persistently there after a good night's sleep and a cup of tea. 

I could moan about my own current problems, but I'm not in the mood. It won't help me, it won't help you. I'm going to tell you a different story. 

I know I'm not the most optimistic guy in the world, hell, if there is anyone who is ready to tell you how many african children are dying while you eat that cheese burger, it's me. When things are bad, it's hard to be optimistic, and hopeful. But I tell you, when things get worse, I mean terrible, it is so much harder not to. 

When I was much younger and chubbier and blonder, I read 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea. I was transfixed by captain Nemo's underwater paradise. And I decided that I wanted to be a marine biologist. Mum had been sick for a while, but I clung to a fantasy world where everything was blue, beautiful, unknown and waiting, just waiting for Joel to get in his submarine and figure it all out for everyone. I wasn't very good at my times-tables at that age, and I can remember that my uncle, who I was staying with at the time, told me, "Joel, you'll have to get better at maths if you want to be a scientist."

Then I realised, no, sorry, you can't be that, it isn't real, you have to be better, and you can't. And my wonderful crystal fantasy shattered. My uncle didn't realize what he'd done. He just wanted to motivate me to be better at school. But when he told me then that I wasn't good enough, I saw a great grey wall of failure looming. And I knew I wouldn't be able to achieve my dream. 

No one told me then, about hope. About not just dreaming, but working hard to stay happy. If someone had told me then what I knew now, maybe I would be on my way to looking at some kind of new mollusc while wearing a scuba suit. 

So that's why I'm going to tell you this now. Sometimes, things are damn hard. But if you want them to, they can be better. You've heard it before from a thousand mouths, a message of hope. But no matter how stale it might seem, I'm going to tell you again. Hope isn't dead, there is so much too look forward to, so many wonderful people and opportunities. So much life that is so worth living. Don't get bogged down by what is now and what was then, pull yourself up with the promise of what is to come. 

It isn't a crime to feel sad. But if you are too busy being sad to remember that things will get better, well, that's just a shame. 

So, whoever you are, I don't care, I just wanted you to know that today I don't hate you. I don't hate anyone today. 

I love you, and trust me, someone else does too, and more people are yet to. You'll be fine, go chase your submarine.